Movie Review: I Heart Huckabees (C-)

First, a word on movie reviews: Being the educator-type, I’m going to rate movies on a A to F scale, as follows:

A: Go see this movie right now. Stop eating/driving/talking to other people and proceed directly to the movie theatre or video rental establishment. It will change your life, or at least leave you deeply entertained. Examples (in my book, anyway): Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, American Beauty, The Matrix, Fight Club, Saving Private Ryan, The Fisher King, Kicking and Screaming.

B: See it some time soon. It can wait for you to finish eating dinner, but you definitely want to check it out. Might not change your life, but will definitely surprise you, make you laugh extremely hard, get a little misty-eyed, or be otherwise impactful. Examples: Garden State, The Usual Suspects, Pulp Fiction, Being John Malkovich, Pirates of the Caribbean, Finding Neverland.

C: Worth renting, but probably not worth eight bucks to see in the theatre. Will entertain you, but doesn’t offer anything too original, tricky, or life-changing. Effective, but forgettable. Examples: Signs, Bridget Jones’s Diary, Confidence, Hitch, The Italian Job, Spiderman.

D: Skip it. Maybe if you’re watching television and this movie happens to be on and it’s that or “Elimidate” give it brief consideration. Or turn off the tv and go outside. Most frequent appearance in this category is the movie that looked like it had 3 or 4 potential but had a major flaw or flaws that hurt it badly. Examples: Ocean’s 12, Once Upon a Time in Mexico, Cold Mountain, S.W.A.T., Hellboy

F: Do not watch this movie under any circumstances. I have already wasted two hours of my life, so let me save you from doing the same. If it was a rental, I turned it off. If it was in the theatre, I either left, tried to fall asleep, or started making fun of the movie out loud. The few examples that I can think of: Sergeant Bilko, Gods and Generals, Windtalkers.

Now, on to "I Heart Huckabees.”

You might not clearly remember this movie. It was released sometime in late 2004 and just recently came out on video. For a refresher (and to make a point), go here and watch the preview.

Looks like a bizarre yet funny movie, right? An “existential comedy,” claims the website. I was expecting something intelligent, goofy, but ultimately with a point. A little slapstick humor, a little dry wit, some big laughs, and characters who I could invest in, even if they were a little bizarre. Something in the vein of “The Royal Tennenbaums” or “Being John Malkovich,” perhaps. At the very least, I expected a comedy, per the advertising.

Not so much. A brief plot summary: Environmental activist Albert Markovski (Jason Schwartzman from “Rushmore”) in attempting to give meaning to a series of coincidences in his life, hires “Existential Detectives” Bernard (Dustin Hoffmann) and Vivian (Lily Tomlin) to investigate his life. To accomplish this, they follow him everywhere, watching and listening to the events of his life, which are getting worse by the minute. Through Albert’s interaction with Bernard and Vivian, he meets random people and does random things. Tommy (Mark Wahlberg), a radically anti-petroleum fireman, is one of them. He’s having about as bad a time of things as Albert is.

To go on much longer would be to suggest that this movie has a plot. Okay, it does, but just barely. A lot happens, but it is only loosely connected. What we’re supposed to get, I think, is that the events in the movie are connected in the same pseudo-existential way that Bernard keeps bringing up: “Everything is connected, and everything matters. Now isn’t that cool?” Well, no. Or at least it’s not cool enough to make any kind of coherent sense. This is a movie where you keep asking yourself what the hell is going on, gradually realizing that there isn’t a satisfactory answer to that question.

I spent much of the movie unsure if I was supposed to sympathize with Albert and Tommy, or just laugh at their expense. The movie seems to want both of these things from me, and as a result it fails when it’s trying to be funny and seems trite when it’s trying to be moving. The performances are fine, and in fact I think Hoffman and Tomlin do a nice job with their left-field characters, but ultimately, "I Heart Huckabees” feels like a jumble of pretend philosophy, failed comedy, and missed potential.

Grade: C-

This might look funny, but it isn't.