A Lot More Small Things
For those of you who missed the first episode of this feature, go here if you’re wondering what to expect. Or you could just take the word of a commenter on that installment who described it as “random town beep boop.” And, as I mentioned earlier, I now own a camera phone, so there will be random town beep boop photography in this episode.
ESPN: People said that you are really motivated this year because you really want to stick it to the Lakers. How true is that?
Shaquille O’Neal: I don't let earthlings motivate me.
More Headlines of Questionable Merit:
“Paris Hilton To Retire In Two Years”
“Text Aims to Teach Bible In School, Avoid Legal Woes.”
“Streisand Puts Anti-War Feelings on Album.”
Am I the only one who always thought it was “Nobody does it like Sara Lee” and then found out that it’s actually “Nobody doesn’t like Sara Lee”? I’m a bit upset by this. I would be willing to forgive the double negative if it weren’t such a crappy slogan.
I took the following photo at the bus stop the other day. The gentleman pictured is headless because I have not yet honed my skills at surreptitious photography:
Apparently he had bowling class (ball in lap) and photography class (tripod on left) on the same day. These are things that you must take into account when scheduling your semester.
“Now, the Eagles right now are probably the best team in the NFC, but if they lose three or four games in a row, it’s going to be a problem.” - John Madden, on Monday Night Football, speaking before the beginning of the Philadelphia Eagles’ first regular season game on Monday Night Football.
My channel-flipping habits sometimes provide solid amusement and other times provide brief views of hell. Some examples of the latter:
1. Paris Hilton and Bow Wow (formerly Lil’ Bow Wow) on MTV’s Video Music Awards pretending to argue about whose diamond-encrusted chains cost more.
2. Any five seconds of “Laguna Beach” on MTV.
3. Come to think of it, any five seconds of anything on MTV (motto: Dumbing America’s Youth Daily!).
4. Gerald McRaney (of “Simon and Simon” and “Major Dad” fame) lying in a snow-covered cornfield with a 12-gauge waiting for some unlucky geese to fly by. Which law of the universe necessitates D-list celebrities hunting on TV?
5. Reruns of “Rosanne.”
The other night I found, hanging out (no pun intended) at a nearby strip mall, the following bat:
“Now, the Eagles right now are probably the best team in the NFC, but if they lose three or four games in a row, it’s going to be a problem.” - John Madden, on Monday Night Football, speaking before the beginning of the Philadelphia Eagles’ first regular season game on Monday Night Football.
My channel-flipping habits sometimes provide solid amusement and other times provide brief views of hell. Some examples of the latter:
1. Paris Hilton and Bow Wow (formerly Lil’ Bow Wow) on MTV’s Video Music Awards pretending to argue about whose diamond-encrusted chains cost more.
2. Any five seconds of “Laguna Beach” on MTV.
3. Come to think of it, any five seconds of anything on MTV (motto: Dumbing America’s Youth Daily!).
4. Gerald McRaney (of “Simon and Simon” and “Major Dad” fame) lying in a snow-covered cornfield with a 12-gauge waiting for some unlucky geese to fly by. Which law of the universe necessitates D-list celebrities hunting on TV?
5. Reruns of “Rosanne.”
The other night I found, hanging out (no pun intended) at a nearby strip mall, the following bat:
He or she seemed completely uninterested in the people eating dinner just a few feet below his or her hanging spot, and also completely unperturbed by the weirdo with the camera phone who came in for some close-ups.
By the way, the camera phone thing might be getting a little out of control. Today, while driving around campus, I saw a tough looking guy with a big moustache smoking one of the larger cigars I’ve ever seen...and riding a moped. I was so obsessed with photographing him that I followed him around campus for fully ten minutes trying to get a good angle for a shot and giggling like an insane person. I made U-turns, drove around the same block four times, and considered going the wrong way down a one-way street. Unfortunately, he kept going places where cars can’t go (sidewalks, mainly), and finally eluded me altogether. In the end, the effort of chasing him around was substantially more entertaining than any picture I would have ended up with. What is wrong with me?
I flipped past Don Cheadle on a rerun of an 80’s TV show the other day. Which show? “Golden Girls,” naturally. I’m sure Bea Arthur taught Don everything he knows about acting.
NFL Fact: Kurt Warner has played on opening day at Giants Stadium for three consecutive years -- each time suiting up for different teams.
I saw the following pointed out in a column the other day: “La brea” means “the tar” in Spanish. Thus if you go to the La Brea Tar Pits in Los Angeles, you are visiting “The the tar tar pits.”
The following quiz question appeared on the mandatory State Ethics Exam, required of employees of a state not to be mentioned here:
By the way, the camera phone thing might be getting a little out of control. Today, while driving around campus, I saw a tough looking guy with a big moustache smoking one of the larger cigars I’ve ever seen...and riding a moped. I was so obsessed with photographing him that I followed him around campus for fully ten minutes trying to get a good angle for a shot and giggling like an insane person. I made U-turns, drove around the same block four times, and considered going the wrong way down a one-way street. Unfortunately, he kept going places where cars can’t go (sidewalks, mainly), and finally eluded me altogether. In the end, the effort of chasing him around was substantially more entertaining than any picture I would have ended up with. What is wrong with me?
I flipped past Don Cheadle on a rerun of an 80’s TV show the other day. Which show? “Golden Girls,” naturally. I’m sure Bea Arthur taught Don everything he knows about acting.
NFL Fact: Kurt Warner has played on opening day at Giants Stadium for three consecutive years -- each time suiting up for different teams.
I saw the following pointed out in a column the other day: “La brea” means “the tar” in Spanish. Thus if you go to the La Brea Tar Pits in Los Angeles, you are visiting “The the tar tar pits.”
The following quiz question appeared on the mandatory State Ethics Exam, required of employees of a state not to be mentioned here:
Translation:
A. Sweep it under the rug.
B. Don’t rock the boat.
C. Cover your ass.
D. Boy Scout.
A. Sweep it under the rug.
B. Don’t rock the boat.
C. Cover your ass.
D. Boy Scout.
Attention: Despite containing exactly the same items (chicken, black beans, cilantro rice, corn salsa, tomato salsa, cheese), the chicken burritos from Chipotle and Qdoba are not even remotely comparable. I have no idea why, but Qdoba is merely decent while Chipotle is so good that it makes me look forward to being hungry again.
From O’Dell’s Annals of the New York Stage, some highlights from the 1881-82 season at Harry Hill’s Variety Theatre:
–Herman (“the Modern Atlas”)
– Professor H. Monroe’s Cat Circus
–Jennie Ward (“seven distinct changes of dress, in presence of the audience”)
–O’Brieno (“wonder stick-twister”)
–Eddie Murphy (“clogs on an 11-inch marble slab”)
–Carrie Edwards (“champion female boxer of the world”) in a boxing match with Harry Wilson
– The Nondescript Grotesques (George Leslie and John Lovely)
Obviously, the Cat Circus is the winner here: cat clowns, cats on trapeze, a cat tamer with a whip and a chair (Tamer, cracking whip: Down, wild cats! Back! Cats: Hey, buddy, we’re napping here.) – where does the fun end?
Whether you are a theatre person or not, you will enjoy “Who’s Who in the Cast” by Marshall Brickman (8:04), and whether you are a Canadian or not you will enjoy “In the New Canada, Living is a Way of Life” by Bruce McCall (11:37), both found in Fierce Pajamas, the New Yorker’s excellent collection of humor essays. (Right click links to download).
A brief collection of items from this year’s Indiana State Fair: (I was going to write a whole post about the fair, but it is now way too far past fair time to do so. I’ll wait until next year.)
From a display of antique eyeglasses, a curious approach to marketing:
From O’Dell’s Annals of the New York Stage, some highlights from the 1881-82 season at Harry Hill’s Variety Theatre:
–Herman (“the Modern Atlas”)
– Professor H. Monroe’s Cat Circus
–Jennie Ward (“seven distinct changes of dress, in presence of the audience”)
–O’Brieno (“wonder stick-twister”)
–Eddie Murphy (“clogs on an 11-inch marble slab”)
–Carrie Edwards (“champion female boxer of the world”) in a boxing match with Harry Wilson
– The Nondescript Grotesques (George Leslie and John Lovely)
Obviously, the Cat Circus is the winner here: cat clowns, cats on trapeze, a cat tamer with a whip and a chair (Tamer, cracking whip: Down, wild cats! Back! Cats: Hey, buddy, we’re napping here.) – where does the fun end?
Whether you are a theatre person or not, you will enjoy “Who’s Who in the Cast” by Marshall Brickman (8:04), and whether you are a Canadian or not you will enjoy “In the New Canada, Living is a Way of Life” by Bruce McCall (11:37), both found in Fierce Pajamas, the New Yorker’s excellent collection of humor essays. (Right click links to download).
A brief collection of items from this year’s Indiana State Fair: (I was going to write a whole post about the fair, but it is now way too far past fair time to do so. I’ll wait until next year.)
From a display of antique eyeglasses, a curious approach to marketing:
It must be disappointing to do all that work and come up just short because some other hog has better fat genetics. Do you think the poor guy can even stand up?
We checked out the rabbits, but I couldn’t bring myself to go gawk at the Senior Citizens:
What do the judges look for in a prize-winning senior citizen? Muscle tone? Ability to stay awake through “Matlock?” Will to live?
posted by Tyler @ 6:50 PM
2 comments
2 Comments:
Your blog is undisputedly the most hilarious one I read, but I think my brain exploded after the randomness of this post.
random town beep boop huzzaah horrah horray!
(megan, bien sur)
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