A Solitary Sports Fan Once Again

Because it worked out so well last time (I’m still not completely ready to talk about it), I’m going to try keeping a running journal of a major sporting event. This particular event shall be the Group E World Cup tilt between the U.S. and Ghana. Long story short, the U.S. needs to beat – beat, not tie – the upstart Africans and also convince Italy to defeat the Czech Republic in a game being played simultaneously. Should this combination of outcomes fail to, uhh, come out, then the Yanks are headed home to wait another four years, wondering how they could have bonked so badly on an international stage.

As for me, I am watching this game alone, which is probably why I’ve turned to the running journal for mental and emotional relief. I’m sitting in the conference room of my place of employment, a room whose fifty-inch Sony WEGA flat screen TV my boss has kindly allowed me to use. I am not living life on the pure visual joy of a high-definition signal, but fifty diagonal inches of above-average-definition soccer beats the living pants off of many viewing situations. Speaking of pants, you should probably be reading Michael Davies' World Cup blog on ESPN.com. He has done this running journal thing as well, only with the advantage that he is frequently attending the games. I know, originality is dead, but I never claimed that this was a groundbreaking format, just my take on it. Enough rambling, let’s get this show on the road....

During the pregame, announcer Dave O’Brien has informed us that a major bookmaking firm in England has Ghana as a 6-5 favorite. Good thing we’re not playing best of eleven.

:50 Nice early long ball to Steve Cherundulo. Cherundulo, Cherundulo, Cherundulo. Just rolls right off your tongue.

1:24 O’Brien tells us that Ghana has called a national holiday today (half-day) so that people can watch the game. How nice. In the U.S., trading on the stock market has been suspended, the postal service is not running, and all federal and non-federal employees have been paid to go home, organize massive World Cup parties, and invite their friends over to watch. Or not.

4:24 Reyna is taken down from behind and Essien, the perpetrator, is given a yellow card. The replay shows a hard tackle, but no cardable foul. If cards are leaping out of the ref’s pocket, it is not a good sign for the very physical Americans. If we get screwed out of this one like we did in the Italy game, I will be quite sad. Wall-punchingly sad.

5:40 O’Brien just called Onyewu “The Gooch” so I guess I wasn’t the first one to think of it. Damn you, oh elusive muse of originality, why will you not be my friend! Maybe O’Brien knows Gary Coleman.

7:03 The U.S. are controlling the game quite well so far (And yes, I will be referring to national teams in the plural, because I am trying hopelessly to be cool). Oh, and let’s give Eddie Lewis a yellow for an unintentional hand ball. I say again, this is not a good sign. Ref likes cards.

8:08 Jimmy Conrad gives up a foul just outside the U.S. penalty area, and I’m a bit nervous...but the ensuing shot goes about fifteen yards wide. No worries, right? Right. Ahem.

10:04 Beasley gets lazy in the midfield and gives up a ball that leads to a counterattack by Ghana. DeMarcus, with your attitude, I’m sure there is a spot awaiting you on an NBA team if the whole soccer thing doesn’t work out.

11:45 Claudio Reyna has over 100 caps for the U.S. Someone please do some research and find out why an international start is called a cap. You definitely don’t get a hat for each start, so you can rule that answer out. Gold star to the reader who hauls in the correct answer.

13:33 Shot of a Ghana fan in the stands wearing a red fez and playing a large, pear-shaped wooden guitar thingy. This is infinitely cooler than the U.S. fan wearing the superman costume.

15:32 Eddie Lewis catches a Ghanan elbow in the eye. He’s not McBride/Stuck Pig bloody, but he’s dripping a bit. Hopefully someone on the U.S. sideline has some Neosporin.

16:30 First U.S. corner is headed on goal by Dempsey, albeit weakly. Hey, a shot is a shot, right?

17:30 In a completely unrelated note, the ESPN Ticker has just informed me that Larry Brown has been fired as Knicks coach and will be replaced by – surprise! – Isaiah Thomas. How nice. Didn’t see that coming at all. Real class act, that Isaiah.

20:00 A quick assessment: The U.S. are controlling most of the game at this point, but their early momentum seems to be fading a bit. The midfield play is pretty decent, but we seem to be trying to force too many long balls to the front. It’s not like we’ve got 6’7” Czech forward Jan Koller up there to keep lobbing the ball to. I’d rather see some possession and buildup.

21:43 A turnover – a freaking turnover! – on the back line, by Reyna, and Keller gets beat far post for a Ghana goal. Keeper never had a chance. Reyna has one million caps and he doesn’t know not to dribble the ball out of the back? Good lord. And Reyna is hurt on the play, too. Great, well maybe he’ll get off the damn field. Good lord. Seriously, how hard is that? Don’t Lose The Ball On Defense. They teach you this in fourth grade house league soccer for blind kids.

24:21 Teams scoring first in this World Cup are 25-5-5. Fantastical. Just great.

25:18 Shot of Reyna on the sidelines being attended to by three trainers. “You okay, Claudio? Is your brain damaged at all, because that would be my diagnosis after you GAVE UP THE BALL ON THE BACK LINE! You need some tape on that?”

26:18 Reyna is back on the field, grimacing in shame. For the record, I was a Reyna supporter until the second game of this tournament.

27:32 All of a sudden we look rattled. Bocanegra drops it back to Keller who puts it out of bounce.

28:15 Oh, hey, turnover in the midfield by who again? Reyna? That’s right. Leads to a Ghana shot that goes wide.

30:30 Midfield turnover by Donovan leads to a Ghana break and the U.S. have nobody back on the defensive left side. Hello? Anyone? Anyone? Cherundulo? Cherundulo?

32:03 A Ghana player puts his elbow in Clint Dempsey’s ear. Didn’t his mother ever tell him never to put anything smaller than your elbow in there? I guess that maxim doesn’t rule out the elbow itself, though.

34:17 Long ball to McBride’s head to Donovan’s feet, and he shanks it over and well wide. Well, at least the long ball is resulting is something.

35:19 My main man Cherundulo is taken down just outside the Ghana box. U.S. free kick. Please please please please....and.... no. The Ghana goalie makes a great diving punch to clear it for a corner, which is cleared for a big Ghana counterattack. These Ghanans (Ghanese? Ghannannites? Ghanlanders?) sure can run.

38:47 Nice through ball to Eddie Lewis results in a decent cross but no shot. At this point I think the U.S. have about .8 shots on goal. This is not a way to score more goals in 51:13 than you have scored in the entire World Cup thus far.

40:15 Claudio Reyna is subbed off. Really? Do you think? Man, Claudio, I really used to like you, but when this game ends in a 1-1 tie, you will have ended your international soccer career by putting your team out of the World Cup. But I’m not bitter. Thanks for your years of service. Except for 2006. In for Reyna is Ben Olson, whose name is so utterly American that I expect him to be carrying an apple pie. He is not.

42:56 Beasley gets a turnover, gets free and crosses to Dempsey and GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAL!
Wooo Hooo! There is life! We have hope! Dempsey just destroyed that ball! I’m surprised it didn’t go through the netting! The camera shows Reyna on the bench not so much “celebrating” as “pausing in the construction of a gallows on which to hang himself in shame.”

47:00 Onyewu is called for an atrocious penalty inside the box. Penalty kick to the Ghanlanders. You have got to be kidding me. I....am beyond words here. That was simply not a penalty. It simply wasn’t. You have to be allowed some physical play, and if you’re taller than the other guy and you both go up for a header, his shoulder is going to end up in your armpit and that does not make it a penalty. Good lord. And....Ghana put the ball in the left upper ninety for a goal. Damn. It.

And finally, mercifully, halftime. Where we are treated to highlights of Italy being up 1-0 and where we learn that the Czechs are playing a man down. So we’re going to get the result we want in the other game, but in our game? Lots of work to be done.

Halftime features that Vonage commercial with the guy in the foreground talking about the wonderfulness of Vonage while in the background someone in a giant lobster suit tries unsuccessfully to get through a revolving door. Why do you want to distract me from the merits of your product using a clumsy oversized plush crustacean? I do no understand this at all, but it makes more sense than, say, Reyna giving up the ball on the back line.

Okay, a brief halftime assessment: Except for a career-ending mistake by He Who Must Not Play Defense and a completely crap penalty, the game has actually favored us a little bit. Ghana is countering pretty well, but our midfield is controlling the ball to my liking. We have not nearly enough shots on goal, but, well, at least we’re not getting killed like the Czech game. At least.

Shelly Smith gives us an injury update on He Who Must Not Play Defense: He was subbed off with a sprained right cerebellum, which is the only possible explanation for his idiocy.

And we’re underway in the second half.

47:13 Ghanovite Michael Essien goes down after a hard tackle from Bocanegra. No foul was called, presumably because Essien wasn’t in the penalty box.

48:12 Statistic: The U.S. are 0-541-93 in World Cup games in which they are down one goal. Or something like that.

50:31 Attention Americans: Possessing the ball is good, but possessing the ball in your own defensive third isn’t. Moving the ball forward is good, but moving the ball forward over the heads of your offense and through to the Ghana defense isn’t. Gaaaah.

52:25 A Ghana defender makes a really cool flipping reverse breakdance-esque bicycling clear, but is penalized for a high kick. Ha! Substance triumphs over style! Rules win out over creativity!

55:12 We learn that the U.S. have never won their third game in World Cup group play. Please, ESPN, continue mining for depressing statistics. I would like to be informed soon that the U.S. have never come back to win from a deficit of seven goals or fewer in games played in countries formerly ruled by either a Kaiser or a Viscount.

60:52 Welcome to the party, U.S. striker Eddie Johnson! I’d like to introduce you to everyone. These guys are Ghana, and they are kicking our asses, if only on the scoreboard. These other guys are your teammates, and they’ll be passing you the ball so that you can save our asses, so go on out there and get to it, kiddo!

62:09 It’s time to be honest here, folks. We are really, really, really in trouble. Scoring two goals in less than twenty-seven minutes is like finishing four miles of highway construction in less than three years: sickeningly unlikely.

65:13 Waaaah! A McBride header goes off the post! Dammit! That was a beautiful play, nonetheless. It leads to a nice sequence of pressure, though, including an Onyewu header off a corner that is inches over the bar. Get over the ball, Gooch! Mr. Drummond will call your father if you don’t!

67:44 We’re keeping up the pressure, and...oh, Landon Donovan, why oh why are you five miles offsides? And why are you complaining about the call? Be silent and score goals, angry one.

69:28 Third offsides in about ninety seconds for the U.S. Ghana is playing an aggressive offsides trap, which we will hopefully figure out how to take advantage of. But probably we won’t. Not that I’m losing hope.

71:48 Beasley gets the ball on a throw in, loses possession, fouls the Ghanican who took it away from him, and the slumps his shoulders and complains. DeMarcus, you should be expecting a call from Isaiah Thomas any day now.

73:30 In comes Bobby Convey, no relation to “Cannonball Run” star Burt Convey, no matter how much you want him to be.

74:47 Dave O’Brien, who generally does a good commentating job, offers us this announcing gem: “Time now beginning to become a factor, the score, of course, being a bigger factor.” I can hear Marcello Balboa rolling his eyes.

76:10 A Ghanantine player goes down, and a minute later is carted off on a stretcher, holding his leg, writhing, and speaking in tongues, which in international soccer means that he will be back on the field in about fifteen seconds, smiling and running normally.

80:16 Bobby Convey is taken down hard by Ghana defender Mensah (that guy is a genius! Heh heh). Mensah receives a yellow card, but much worse, he now has powerful Hollywood star Burt Convey seeking him out for family vengeance. Those Conveys stick together. Donovan puts the ball out of bounds nine feet over Dempsey’s head on the ensuing kick. Nice work, Landon. Good lord.

83:00 So, can we score two goals in seven minutes plus injury time? I am not optimistic. Yes, Australia did it against Japan, but we drink much less Fosters than the Aussies.

85:34 Donovan and Beasley are in the same corner, holding hands, staring deeply into each others’ eyes, saying, “No, you take the corner kick.” “No, you take it, really.” “No, you...”

87:20 I predict, in a fit of pessimism, that the U.S. don’t get another shot on goal in this game.

88:14 Italy have beaten the Czechs 2-0. Thanks for that nice bit of pointless help, you greasy Italians. And I mean “greasy” in the best possible way.

89:30 This about sums it all up: Landon Donovan makes a nice move and breaks into the upper corner of the Ghana penalty box. He has a clear path to the goal for a left-footed shot, but does not shoot, because apparently that object on the end of his left ankle is not a foot. Instead, he passes to Olson at the top of the box who completely fans on a one-timer. Holy God.

90:00 Five minutes of injury time. So, one goal every 2.5 minutes and we’re good to go.

95:00 Or not. Game over. Go England!