Let Them Die: A Proposal On the State of Pop-Culture References

Scientific studies conducted by me over the course of many years reveal conclusively that between fifty-three and sixty-two percent of all conversational humor (or attempts thereat) involves a reference to popular culture. The subjects observed (including this researcher) rely consistently on the application – or deliberately comical misapplication – of phrases, events, personalities, and other aspects of common societal consciousness. The result is the amassing of a vast body of references spread widely along the well-regarded Wozfoozle Graduated Scale of Intended Comedy to Actual Comedy Ratio Inventory, developed by the German sociologist Gersplachen Wozfoozle. The Wozfoozle Inventory has long been used to chart the humor of a given pop culture reference in actual, empirical terms, thus giving party guests and conversational partners a quick and easy guide to how hard they need to laugh at a given mention of, for example, a sharp-tongued comparison of Lindsay Lohan’s eating disorders to the inability of the hostess to provide a sufficient amount of crab puffs.

The Wosfoozle Inventory falls short, however, in two key areas, and it is towards the remedying of these imperfections that this scientist has been working. I therefore propose the following additional metrics to be applied to the use of pop-culture references in common conversation:

1. As described, the Wozfoozle Inventory provides a solid accounting of exactly how funny a given reference is, but offers no criteria for the status of a given reference as viable. Some phrases are simply too old, overused, or intrinsically pathetic to continue to hold a place on the Inventory. Their comedy ratio has dropped to zero, and sometimes into negative numbers. The badly outdated list from which Dr. W. created his original scale of humor must be purged completely of a great many cultural references that are kept in tired, embarrassing use only by the socially retarded. Thus, for your consideration, I offer my current list of pop-culture references that must at all costs be purged from common usage:

“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up.” This one has mostly died out on its own, but it is still kicking around amongst the dregs of unfunny society. Trust me.

Monica Lewinski and any association with cigars, former heads of state, and stained blue dresses.

Anything said by Arnold Schwarzenegger in any movie in which he played a robot of any kind or a human who acted so badly he appeared to be a robot.

Any widely-used Monty Python reference, mostly from “Holy Grail” and characterized by the classic, “We are the knights who say….Ni!” This one is quite tragic, as this is one of the funnier movies ever made, but its commonly known bits have now filtered down to be abused by either total losers or people who have never actually seen the movie. Still acceptable: More obscure quotes from “Holy Grail” (“It’s only a model.”) and other Python references that are less known (“Wafer thin!”).

Austin Powers quotes, for the most part. There is nothing more embarrassing than suffering through a fifty year old man’s awful British accent and half-hearted “Yeah, baby, yeah!” Like Python, possible exceptions exist for obscure Austin Powers lines, but they must be well executed. “Get in my belly!” still makes me giggle, to be honest.

Any reference involving clapping something on or clapping it off.

“Git er dun!” This one is especially offensive because, like its originator, it is never used in a clever way. In fact, it can’t be used in a clever way. There are no double meanings or metaphors possible here, just, “Hey, I am speaking in redneck vernacular and saying ‘Accomplish the task.’”

“Is that your final answer?” Yes, yes it is.

All things said by Forrest Gump. He was a great character in a good movie, but his quotables need to follow mama and Jenny to the grave.

Remember that one brief moment in the history of the universe when Rob Schneider was mildly funny? It was on SNL as the guy who sat by the copy machine, and some people do remember it. Like it was yesterday. Really, these people are still out there, and they must be stopped.

“May the force be with you!” or “Use the force, Luke!” To put this in perspective: Star Wars (Episodes 4-6, duh) was one of the greatest trilogies of all time, so we’re talking about eight hours worth of screen time and all you can come up with is the most obvious line from all of that? You stuck up, half-witted, scruffy-looking nerf herder!

“Beam me up, Scotty.” (See previous entry on Star Wars, minus the “one of the greatest trilogies of all time” part.)

1.5 I am also kicking around the possibility that there are some references or quotes that are untouchable. They may drift down towards the bottom of the comedy ratio scale, but they can never be removed from the Inventory. This is a very tenuous claim to make of any reference, since what amuses one person can annoy the holy living crap out of another, but I’m going to submit just these two for your consideration as untouchable:

“D’oh!” You may dismiss this as my blind allegiance to one of the greatest television shows ever, but I fully endorse the discarding of all of Bart’s lousy “Eat my shorts” type lines. Homer’s lament, however, is a classic. It requires some level of vocal skill, and as such is not too terribly overused. I nominate it for the vault.

Pretty much anything from “Dumb and Dumber.” This is just one of the funniest movies of all time, but yet its best lines somehow never fell into overuse. “Kick his ass, Sea Bass!” is borderline overdone, but I could hear “I don’t know, Lloyd, the French are assholes,” once a week and not get tired of it.

2. The Wozfoozle Inventory also falls short in another area, that of attaching social stigma to the use of unfunny references. Thus, as phrases and references are purged from the “Acceptable Use” list, they must be assigned a punishment to be meted out in any instance of future usage. Said punishment can be of a wide range, from a minimum action of turning your back on the offending party to a maximum of stabbing them in the leg with a dinner fork. This scale of appropriate penalty can be converted to a handy wallet-sized card so that when an associate at work turns to you on his way to lunch and says, Terminator-like, “Ah’ll be bahk,” you will know that it is correct to smack him on the nose with a rolled up newspaper and say, “No! No! Bad!” but not correct to roundhouse-kick him in the kidney.

So once again dear readers, I need your help. The contributions on the previous post were so well-considered and original that I have returned to the well of knowledge that is um, you. Kindly offer:

a) Phrases/references to be taken out behind the barn and shot.
b) Punishment for the use of said phrases. Remember, keep it within the back-turned / fork-in-leg parameters.
c) Other phrases that might be worthy of being untouchable. Also, feel free to assassinate my nominations.