The Comics

My siblings and I have a genetic condition that requires us to read while eating breakfast. This first manifested itself sometime around age eight (mom? Exact dates here?) when I started reading the back of the cereal box as I ate. We had a severe sugar content restriction on our cereal, thanks to my parents' conviction that our teeth would rot and fall out if we were exposed to the joys of Cap'n Crunch or Fruity Pebbles. (I think that at least 20% of the reason that I love my grandparents so much is that they fed us Golden Grahams when we went to visit them.) The upshot of this was that the cereal box reading material was less often a fun, illustrated adventure story or puzzle and more often a story about the long-term health benefits of Grape Nuts. I read it anyway, because I had to read something. Maybe this need was related to my aforementioned unwillingness to be awake, I don't know. A reading brain is less likely to quit on its owner.

At some point, I abandoned cereal boxes and started reading the paper, and I have been doing so ever since. It's to the point now that if the unknown forces of the universe intervene and I don't have a paper to read while eating breakfast, I get inexcusably grumpy. The order in which I read the paper - and this probably says a lot about me - is, and always has been, as follows: Life/Style/Entertainment section (its name changes, but it's the section with the crossword, jumble, advice columns {which I do NOT read - they are the reality TV of the newspaper}, outdated articles on fashion or entertainment, and, of course, the comics), then the sports section, then, if I have time, the front page section. Yes, learning about the real world takes a back seat to keeping up with rich guys playing games and the adventures of illustrated animals.

I've been reading the comics for so long that the activity is almost reflexive. I read in the same order every day: Start on the bottom of the left column, read to the top, then from top to bottom of the right column, then turn to the second page of comics and read bottom to top in the right column (the second page only has one column). There might have at one point been a logic to this order (leaving the best ones for last?) but it is now just pure habit. In the last few years I have finally started doing something that initially felt like a betrayal, but in the long run was a very good decision: I stopped reading certain comics, because they were never ever funny. Let's go over some of the illustrated daily humor options available in my newspaper, from worst to best:

Actually Makes Me Angry
Family Circus: This is the worst comic ever created by a human being. There are probably even some comics created by animals that are better than this single-frame vomitingly-faux-cute portrait of oval-headed morons. The freaking dog's name is "Barfy." Oh, Jeffy drew the comic today! See how poorly drawn it is? Isn't that cuuuuute? (Hits self in head with ball peen hammer)

Some Others That I Finally Stopped Reading
Cathy (I'm fat! Shoes! Clothes! Irrrrrving!), Marmaduke (That dog is soooo big! Isn't he big?), Dennis the Menace (Mr. Wilson, you so grumpy!), Ziggy (His nose makes me uncomfortable).

I Couldn't Say This S**t If I Were White
Boondocks: Seriously. Seriously.

The Old Guard, Same Joke Every Day, But I Still Read Them For Some Reason
Beetle Bailey (Oh, that Beetle, he's so lazy!), Hagar the Horrible (Husband-Wife stereotype, but he's a VIKING!), Hi and Lois (The "Full House" of comics), Wizard of Id (Modern issues, medieval setting! Ha!), Garfield (See yesterday's comments), and Blondie (Dagwood's sandwiches are so tall! And he's always late for the carpool! And his wife's breasts are enormous! Wait, that last one isn't actually discussed in the comic.)

As Bland As "The Cosby Show" Except Not Funny:
Curtis: It actually bothers me that this comic makes a running joke out of the main character's inability to get his dad to stop smoking in the house. Ha ha ha! Giving your kids cancer is funny! (And yet, every day, I read. Why?)

When You Write About Things That Aren't Political, You're Actually Really Funny and It Makes Me Even More Annoyed That You're Such A Snarky Leftist:
Doonsbury

Walking a Fine Line Between Kind Of Funny and Wanna-Be-Poignant-"A Very Special Episode"-Style Sitcom Content:
For Better or For Worse: Getting waaay to heartwarming lately. Plus, they're Canadians, and you know how I feel about that.

Funky Winkerbean: This one has abandoned funny altogether and basically become a TV drama. Today, Funky got blown up by an IED in Iraq. I'm not making that up. In fact, today is the day I stop reading Funky Winkerbean.

Because the Creator Is Dead and the Published Reruns Come From All Throughout Its Very Long History, You Never Know What You're Going To Get:
Peanuts: Is there any comic that varies more from day to day? Some days it's funny, some days sentimental (anything involving Snoopy fighting the Red Baron and quaffing root beers in a WWI French bar and I'll be happy), and some days it's just inexplicably bizarre, as though Charles Schultz went on a bender for a month in 1977 and handed the reins to Terry Gilliam. But I love the Peanuts, and will stop reading them the day that Charlie Brown actually kicks that football. Lucy, I hate you.

I Wish Conservatives Were As Funny As Gary Trudeau:
Mallard Filmore: He tries, he really does, and he gets some good satirical jabs in there, but the main character is a duck whose name is a terrible presidential pun, so it's a little limited.

Newer Old Guard That Occasionally Draws a Smile:
Baldo, Jumpstart, Crankshaft. Although Crankshaft is moving downwards.

New Additions That Are Weird Enough To Keep Me Interested:
Fuzzy: There is some very strange humor in this one, but it's usually unpredictable and dry, which is a rarity with comics. It's a relatively new addition to my paper, but I'm pleased so far.

Pearls Before Swine: Another newbie, I'm giving it some leeway because it does unconventional things like feature the creator of the comic as an occasional "Breaking The Fourth Wall" character. This week has featured some of the "unemployed" characters from Foxtrot, which is a rip-off of an old Bloom County idea, but it's still funny.

Good Solid Family Comedy That Often Makes Me Grin:
Baby Blues, Zits, and Foxtrot (until the creator quit doing daily strips): They're fairly standard in terms of content, but let us not take for granted that family humor in the comics is not easy (see above examples). I'll especially give the creator of Zits credit for writing a teenage character that is actually mostly current and realistic. Chip of Hi and Lois, please take note.

Office Comedy
Dilbert: Really, this is one of the best ones around these days, and I don't even work in corporate America. It goes so far beyond the one-dimensional office jokes and does a lot of really strange and excellent stuff that usually rings true. I would not, unfortunately, recommend reading Scott Adams's blog on a regular basis unless you want to hear relentless circular arguments about how free will does not exist.

The Quirky, Post-Far Side One-Panels That Do A Darn Good Job Filling The Void:
Bizarro: Really, this is the most appropriate title ever for a comic. Good stuff, always out of left field.

Non-Sequitur: Except when it gets politically preachy and cynical and tries to do too much by dividing one panel into four tiny squares.

Speed Bump: Also wonderfully left field. You never know what you're going to get.

The Bestest of The Best, Look Forward To Them Every Morning Like A Mini-Christmas:
The Far Side, Calvin and Hobbes, Bloom County/Outland. Damn.