Or Maybe Everybody Is Out To Get You
Note: When (lazy) college professors don't want to spend the time preparing actual lectures and new information for one of their classes, they often assign "group presentations" instead. You know, those projects that seem to mean, "I want to you to be able to research a subject on your own, learn it, and teach it to the rest of the class next week," but really mean, "Please do my job for me."
To wit:
Discussion Topic: What are you paranoid about?
Everybody has at least one personal safety or security measure in their life that, when viewed from a rational, statistical point of view, is completely insane and paranoid. This isn't to say that we should all abandon our obsessive little habits, but just that maybe it would be a good idea to appreciate our own degrees of ridiculosity.
I have one unreasonably paranoid behavior, or at least one that I am willing to share with you. When I enter my ATM code, I never just enter all four digits straight away. In order to stave off spying bandits who would sneak a peek at my secret number, I appear to push six digits, but in fact I only press four. That is, if my ATM code were 4963, I would push 495632, but not actually push the 5 and the 2. I am not making this up.
Now, do I seriously believe someone might look over my shoulder without my noticing, watch me punch in my PIN, follow around long enough to, Artful Dodger-like, pinch my coin-purse, run to the nearest ATM, and divest my meager account of funds? Well, it's possible, but less likely than, say, being hit on the head by a cargo door that has fallen off a passing 747, so all things considered, it makes no sense at all. In fact, it's completely insane, and I should probably stop it. But habit is a powerful thing, as is the potential unknown reward of having thwarted some skeeving bastard. No, no, wait, it's completely unjustifiable. It's just nuts. But silly and fun. And I'm going to keep doing it.
So what are you insanely paranoid about? Come on, be honest. Give up your secrets. Tell us of the most ridiculously fearful steps you take to avoid disasters that will never ever come your way.
posted by Tyler @ 10:15 AM
6 comments
6 Comments:
My parents have raised me to believe that a murderer, rapist, and/or drug dealer lies behind every bush, waiting to assault me. A couple of years ago, I read some statistic showing that a significant percentage of the rapes that happen on U of I's campus occur near the Foreign Language Building on the quad. Ever since then, when I walk through that area at night, I flip out a little inside. I'm always paranoid that a sketchy guy with a mustache and a chloroform handkerchief is lurking in the darkness, frustrated and on-edge after a late-night French class. In a pathetic attempt to feel brave and unapproachable, I mutter threats and obscenities under my breath. "Don’t even f***ing TRY to rape me, you goddamn motherf***ing pervert degenerate," I’ll whisper fiercely as I clench my fists, which are warm and toasty inside my fluffy pink mittens. "I’m your worst f***ing nightmare. I’ll f***ing shank your bitch ass." It must be working, as I haven’t been attacked yet…although I probably creep out any normal people who happen to be around.
And that’s my paranoia.
Oh, and (this is much shorter and much funnier than my paranoia) my best friend’s brother is so paranoid that he periodically thinks, "Whoever’s reading my mind, stop it. I’m onto you." That wins the "Most Unreasonable Paranoia" contest, I think.
HA! The "I'm on to you mind-reader" comment made me laugh out loud.
These aren't paranoia but rather irrational fears. Both are driving fears.
Ever since Bill Nye the Science Guy taught me that you cannot open your eyes when you sneeze sneezing while driving has become an irrational fear of mine. While not a crippling, sneezing fits in the car have brought me close to pulling over just to be a safer driver. I know this is a bit silly since there are not statistics on accidents caused by sneezing but everyone says accidents happen in the blink of an eye and well that's how long your eyes are closed when you sneeze.
My second irrational fear is just as silly. When driving behind a motorist who insists on flicking their lit cigarette butt out the window I am torn. I love the little spiral of burning ash it creates, quite beautiful on a dark road. But at the same time I know that under the hood of a car can be quite a flammable place, or I believe that due to too many Die Hard movies. I will safely attempt to run over the spiraling butt to prevent it from igniting the tiniest spark that comes from the piston pumping or spark plugs sparking or whatever happens under the hood. Again there are not statistics of cars catching on fire due to lit cigarette butts but my irrational fear is still there.
This should make you very excited for our Thanksgiving Road Trip.
WOW! Who knew someone else would have the lit cigarette irrational fear? Try avoiding that flickering little butt whilst driving at 60 miles and hour and the wind is taking it in every direction!
So, when you "press" the extra 2 digits... do you make the "boop boop" sound yourself?
Really, though. Look out for those stray 747 parts. I heard they create tangential universes and stuff...
I am very worried my tires will explode/fall off or that homeless people will choose me to finally go really incredibly crazy. I drive just a hair too slowly and probably badly and have never noticed bad drivers (meaning I am probably one).
Also, I am always very worried every single time I go through one of those electronic anti-theft things. Even if I am POSITIVE POSITIVE I haven't stolen anything.
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