Or Maybe Everybody Is Out To Get You

Note: When (lazy) college professors don't want to spend the time preparing actual lectures and new information for one of their classes, they often assign "group presentations" instead. You know, those projects that seem to mean, "I want to you to be able to research a subject on your own, learn it, and teach it to the rest of the class next week," but really mean, "Please do my job for me."

To wit:

Discussion Topic: What are you paranoid about?

Everybody has at least one personal safety or security measure in their life that, when viewed from a rational, statistical point of view, is completely insane and paranoid. This isn't to say that we should all abandon our obsessive little habits, but just that maybe it would be a good idea to appreciate our own degrees of ridiculosity.

I have one unreasonably paranoid behavior, or at least one that I am willing to share with you. When I enter my ATM code, I never just enter all four digits straight away. In order to stave off spying bandits who would sneak a peek at my secret number, I appear to push six digits, but in fact I only press four. That is, if my ATM code were 4963, I would push 495632, but not actually push the 5 and the 2. I am not making this up.

Now, do I seriously believe someone might look over my shoulder without my noticing, watch me punch in my PIN, follow around long enough to, Artful Dodger-like, pinch my coin-purse, run to the nearest ATM, and divest my meager account of funds? Well, it's possible, but less likely than, say, being hit on the head by a cargo door that has fallen off a passing 747, so all things considered, it makes no sense at all. In fact, it's completely insane, and I should probably stop it. But habit is a powerful thing, as is the potential unknown reward of having thwarted some skeeving bastard. No, no, wait, it's completely unjustifiable. It's just nuts. But silly and fun. And I'm going to keep doing it.

So what are you insanely paranoid about? Come on, be honest. Give up your secrets. Tell us of the most ridiculously fearful steps you take to avoid disasters that will never ever come your way.

Remember this?

I certainly do:

Racket

Today, at Target:

An eleven-year old girl stands thoughtfully in front of four shelves. The shelves hold about fifteen plush Christmas toys - Santa, Mrs. Claus, Frosty, various reindeer, etc. Each toy has a button with a sign on it that says, "I sing!" The girl pushes the button on one of the toys, which starts dancing around and erupts in a Casio-keyboard quality rendition of "We Wish You a Merry Christmas" or similar. The girl stands for about five seconds watching the performance, and then proceeds as fast as she can to push the "I sing" button on the other fourteen toys, all of which sing different songs. The cacophony is astounding. She is delighted.

If you ever in your life witness me reacting to such a moment with anything but pure joy, please put me on a tiny gray barge and set me adrift in the middle of the Atlantic.