Yeah, that's right, I'm posting a poem, and you'll like it, or else.

"Introduction to Poetry"
by Billy Collins

I ask them to take a poem
and hold it up to the light
like a color slide.

or press an ear against its hive.

I say drop a mouse into a poem
and watch him probe his way out,

or walk inside the poem's room
and feel the wall for a light switch.

I want them to water-ski
across the surface of a poem
waving at the author's name on the shore.

But all they want to do
is tie the poem to a chair with a rope
and torture a confession out of it.

They begin beating it with a hose
to find out what it really means.

Done

Written, rewritten, proofed, assembled, rearranged, printed, copied, bound, submitted to committee:




235 pages.
59,313 words.
346 endnotes.

Good golly.

For those of you scoring at home, the committee now has about a month to read this beast. Let's pause for a moment to pity the fools.

I pity the fools.

After they read it, then the five of us will sit in a room on April 13 and fight about the number of contradictions, wild speculations, and outright lies contained in the document. Once they tell me what to fix, I will fix it in time to deposit by May 4. And then I graduate on May 13.

Did I mention, "good golly"?

Songs You Forgot About

You know what I love?

You.

That's right. You, sitting right there wherever you are, waiting on the edge of your eager little ass to help me out.

Because the caption contest submissions were so fantastic, I'm going to go back to the well. I am going to spin the little crank handle and lower my bucked down into you, fantastic readers, and let you do the work for me.

(This is, of course, in no way related to the fact that my dissertation is due in less than forty-eight hours and I am so emotionally and mentally fragile that I actually titled my final chapter, "Indians and Settlers and Irish, Oh My! Parody of Ownership and Aggression in Nineteenth-Century Melodrama," a title which several sources confirmed was brilliant but which my questionably responsible advisor dismissed as "glib." My brain is a little fried. That I have typed this much without complete syntactical breakdown is nothing short of a muffin dandy tree face monkey.)

So what I need from you, dear reader, is a nice lively discussion on the subject of:

Music!

Specifically: I have always thought that if I could get in a time machine and go back to the days when people actually made mixes, it would be fun to make a mix entirely of forgotten songs. These are not obscure hits by bands you've never heard of, but rather the 9th or 10th song on the album by your favorite band that you really love, but that never gets played on the radio, at parties, etc. These sadly neglected works of genius need some attention, so I leave it to you to add to my list:

"In God's Country," U2, The Joshua Tree

"Rain King," Counting Crows, August and Everything After

"King of Birds," R.E.M., Document

"Same Thing," Barenaked Ladies, Born on a Pirate Ship

"The Maestro," Beastie Boys, Check Your Head

"This Ain't Livin'," G. Love and Special Sauce, G. Love and Special Sauce

"Come Downstairs and Say Hello," Guster, Keep it Together

"Dead," They Might Be Giants, Flood


Please, if you like, provide justification for your submissions. I'm going to decline to do so, partly because I like to think that these songs speak for themselves, but mostly because of the muffin dandy tree face monkey thing, which is kind of making me reconsider my caffeine intake.

Accumulated Fiddlings About on a Long Night

Here are some things I’ve been thinking about all night as I dissertated and dissertated and dissertated and blaaaargh:

Does it seem like cheating or grammatical laziness when you use the same word twice in a row even though it makes sense or is correct? As in:
“In 1848, Brougham’s career was not yet in full swing, but he had had his share of success on the New York stage and possessed a clear understanding of what would interest audiences.”

And:
“It wasn’t that that guy was annoying, it’s just that he wouldn’t shut up about Canada. Okay, he was annoying.”

(P.S. Grammaticians more grammatifical than I am, if either of the above examples is incorrect, kindly let me know. In private.)

Can you think of another word with a double “v” in it besides “savvy”?

I read in the paper the other day that sitting on an exercise ball instead of an office chair is good for your back and neck. I’ve tried this technique on and off for the last two days, and I have to admit that my lower back is getting a bit of a workout. The catch is that you have to sit up straight because if you slump, looking at your computer feels like somebody is jabbing an icepick into the back of your neck. Of course, I have the worst posture in the world (witness my “C”-shaped spine), so maybe I’m just finally sitting up straight for the first time in my life because I have to. Also, it is extremely entertaining to bounce around when you’re bored. Also also, it has thus far proved to be impossible to fall asleep while sitting on the ball, making it one of the three known locations in the universe where I am not capable of falling asleep, the other two being under water and jogging. Yes, jogging is a location. Shut up.

Microsoft Word badly needs a dumb-ass warning feature that kicks in when you copy a second item to the clipboard even though you’ve already got something copied there. For instance: Tyler writes lengthy endnote, then wants to move it. Cuts (Cmd-X) the footnote, starts looking for place he wants to paste it. While looking sees one sentence that needs to be moved, copies that sentence to the clipboard, and poof, endnote all gone! I demand a giant warning light or maybe a voice that just says, “Hey dumbass!” to prevent me from doing this.

Clearly there needs to be a single word that means “person who is famous and is involved in the business of theatre in multiple capacities.” I want to say “showman,” but that just makes me think of P. T. Barnum or the ringmaster at a circus, not one of these triple-threat actor/manager/playwright guys I keep running across in the nineteenth century. I think that “theatreman” (pronounced "mun" as in "Scotsman") or “stageist” should be real words. Or maybe such a word actually exists and I just can’t bring it to mind. It is, after all, very late, and this is entirely possible.

Thanks again to Lou, Wyatt, and “anonymous” (you know who you are) for your musical studyfication suggestions. I am at this very wee hour, grooving through the night to the smooth-sailing lounge electronica of Thievery Corporation, Nightmares on Wax (who sound not at all nightmarish) and some of my own selections from Groove Armada. The trip-hop really helps the night move along. Well, that and the two hits of X I took ten minutes ago. (MOM! I’m kidding! Mom, sit down, come back and sit down. Put down the phone, you don’t have to call me and yell at me using my middle name. Just a little non-drug-user drug humor there.)

I am incredibly thankful that at this absurdly early hour of the morning, I can go to my own blog and, through no effort of my own, laugh my ass off. All submissions to the caption contest were hilarious. I am completely in love with the way different minds process those images and find comedy. Beauteous. It’s also nice to have other people do this kind of good work for you, for free, and frequently under the veil of anonymity. Excellent work. The winners and runners up for each photo:

#1 Winner: "Oh Jeezy Creezy. Marge call pest control, we've got babies in the claw machine again..." (Seriously, I’m still laughing at this one)

#1 Runner Up: “Having testified against several insiders in the famous ‘incrediberry murder trial of ought five,’ Kool-Aid Man begins his new life in the witness protection program as ‘disco star man.’” (There is just a darned impressive amount of depth to this joke.)



#2 Winner: (Slurring) “Who’s got two thumbs…er…one thumb, likes gin and tonic and might have just pooped a little in his pants? This guy!!”

#2 Runner Up: "In the above photo, Phineas Q. McGoo of Coltssuck, IN is overtly enthusiastic about the blindingly white color of his new button-up shirt. Tragically, he vomited all over himself a mere hour after this photo was taken; sources say the stain has yet to come out." (Um, honestly, this one could have said “blah blah blah Phineas Q. McGoo of Coltssuck, IN blah blah” and it still would have been in contention for the big prize. Oh, you Chicagoans may not know a damn thing about picking quarterbacks, but boy are you funny.)


#3 Winner: “Distant cousins of the Jumping Beans, only a select few cheeses ever achieve the title of entertaining. The life does often require performing for King Salmon alongside No-Talent wine.” (No-Talent wine. Heh heh heh. Brilliant.)

#3 Runner Up: “Right next to the amusing meats.” (Ah, brevity.)



#4 Winner: [On a poster displayed in gay bars, Express Men stores, and YMCAs all over the United States]:

"Young man, there's no need to feel down - increase your self-esteem, meet hot singles, and get that muscly bod you've always wanted by joining the Armed Forces! We want YOU (yes, YOU, big fella) for U.S. Army!

The United States Army: we've made a few CHANGES." (Methinks somebody has a future in advertising. Or the military? No, advertising. Definitely advertising.)

#4 Runner Up: “Brokeback Mountain II: Corky from ‘Life Goes On’ discovers love.” (Chad and Podd, you guys have got to start bringing dates/wives to these things.)

Specific Category Awards:

Best “Fresh Prince” Reference: “Did anybody just see me doing the ‘Carlton’ on the dance floor?”

Best “I Can’t Believe He Quoted The Whole Thing” Moment: I mean, wow, Jeff. Just, wow. You took that one, made that first little brilliant leap, and then just kept freakin’ running. Awesome.

Best Accurate Description of a Brain Dead Pop Star: “High as a kite” and “out of her f***ing mind.”

Best Keen Eye For Noticing That the Toy's Hand Was Upturned As Though Asking For Money: "Yo! If you want lil' baby Sam back, you gots ta pay Mr. Sunshine. Ain't that right Snoop?"

Best “Dry-Witted Wife” Comment: Is that my husband? (HA!)

Best Obviously-Paid-For-By-The-Producer Positive Review: "'Entertaining Cheeses': it's better than 'Cats'!" --Variety

Best Rolling Stones Look-Alike Call: First Guy: “Hey look, I’m Mick Jagger!” (Bwah ha ha ha!)

(Congrats to all the winners. Your $100 cash prizes are in the mail. I used transparent envelopes, so if they don’t get to you, blame those thieving postal employees.)

Day Eleven

For the 1.3 of you keeping track, this is day eleven of my ten-day pledge to post something (Something! Anything!) in this space on a daily basis. The arrival of day eleven is especially fortunate, because I thought this was day ten, and damned if I don't have a thing to say today. I mean, really, nothing.

Except this very tiny thing: I've always enjoyed the fact that the name for a person who writes plays is spelled "playwright" and not "playwrite." I like the idea that plays are not just written, they are built, similar to the way that shipwrights build ships. Score one for the dramatist.

And that's all I've got.

So ignore this tiny little entry, and scroll down and MAKE SOME SUBMISSIONS IN THE CAPTION CONTEST, YOU SLACKERS. If I can crank out rambling crap and slow-loading music samples for ten straight days, then you can come up with at least one amusing caption, right?

(That's it, Tyler, berate your meager audience. People love being shouted at. Especially in all caps.)

Although, Jones has set the bar pretty high, especially with #1, which is going to be hard to top.

(Much better. Say something nice, call their attention to the quality humor to be had in playing along.)

Not that any of you are TRYING to top it.

(Great. Shouting again. What are you, ten years old?)

MAYBE! WHAT IF I AM?

(I'm outta here.)

Fotoe Graphie

Today is the big long daunting-ass final dissertation push to finish chapter three, so I'm going to save my finger strength and post some photos that have been collecting over the last while. This posting will finish up with a caption contest, so get your submissions in.

Proper protection for the seafaring baby:


Hands down the best Guinness ad ever:


A new refreshing treat brought to you by the Department of Redundancy Department:

And one brought to you by their rival, the Handmade Contradictions Factory:


Angela Bassett looks great in a goatee:


I saw this, ummm, portrait of Jesus in a truck stop in Arkansas. It plugs in and those rainbow lights spin outwards in what can only be described as a "very bad trip" fashion. Methinks the real Jesus would have some concerns:


These next three are from the local Gingerbread House contest this past Christmas. Because this is Indiana, you have the Colts, complete with accurately-depicted fans (many Hoosiers are somewhat marshmallow shaped):


And you have a lovely farm scene:


And, of course, a trailer:


This is the band OK Go (the treadmills video band, if you haven't seen it, get out from under that rock, go to YouTube and watch it now) at the Grammys, upping the ante for Weird Musician Garb. I especially enjoy the glasses:


And now, Caption Contest. Please submit in the comments section captions for the following images. (Yes, I'm begging for feedback here. Don't make me look dumb.)




Progress Report

Today marks eight days of semi-webstinence, and here is what I have learned:

1. The number of caveats has expanded, but all of them have remained within the spirit of the original goal. I've added banking and weather websites to the permitted list, and I've also made a few exceptions to help out friends. The most potentially criminal exception was helping somebody shop for a brand new Mac. You can do a lot of geeking out on Mac's website, as well as a fair amount of drooling over the massive amouts of computing coolness contained therein, so there was a little bit of aimless time wasting that went on. But when a friend asks your opinion, you want to provide quality information.

2. I'm a little surprised but not totally shocked by this, but most of the stuff I'm missing, I don't miss at all. I have not once veiwed a web page from ESPN, Fox News, MSNBC, Slate, or any of the other handful of information sources on which I typically feast. I'm sure that some interesting articles have come and gone, but in my bliss, I am not sad for their loss. Additionally, I am not completely out of any loops thanks to my faithful intake of that ancient device, the daily newspaper. So the lack of daily information servings is down a bit, but I don't think there is any substantial decrease in the quality of stuff that I know.

3. Interestingly, in eight days I have been e-mailed / IM'ed a total of about eight unrequested links. (Thanks, Wyatt, for being my interweb slave and doing the Pogues research from yesterday - and on your birthday, no less! Such friends have I!) Three of those were blog postings. I'm not sure if this means that people just tacitly declined my request to be fed interesting articles, or if people are not finding articles worth sharing. I'm going to guess it's a lot more of the former than the latter. Either way, though, it's worth noting that in eight days, the internet has produced almost nothing that you feel like sharing with me. And again, I'm not really missing what you're not sending me.

4. The thing I do miss the most is the instant access to information. At some point in the very near past, you had to wait to learn the answers to things. No longer is this the case. I can find the stats for the 1984 Cleveland Browns run defense or the name of the key grip in Weekend At Bernie's II in under 30 seconds. Being a person whose attention span works like a group of especially disorganized lottery balls, I frequently find myself wondering stupid stuff like this, and I miss the ability to bring said information immediately to hand. Of course, in about 80% of those cases, the information is pure trivia, so I'm probably doing fine without it. But then again, I do like me some trivia.

So that's the story. This hasn't been at all painful. Personal productivity is up, blogging has increased, the dissertaion progresses ever faster, and the level of useless information is down. I'm not going to promise that this will stick or anything, but it could serve as a demonstration that at least some judicious curtailing of my interwebbing activities might be in order. We shall see.