Accumulated Fiddlings About on a Long Night

Here are some things I’ve been thinking about all night as I dissertated and dissertated and dissertated and blaaaargh:

Does it seem like cheating or grammatical laziness when you use the same word twice in a row even though it makes sense or is correct? As in:
“In 1848, Brougham’s career was not yet in full swing, but he had had his share of success on the New York stage and possessed a clear understanding of what would interest audiences.”

And:
“It wasn’t that that guy was annoying, it’s just that he wouldn’t shut up about Canada. Okay, he was annoying.”

(P.S. Grammaticians more grammatifical than I am, if either of the above examples is incorrect, kindly let me know. In private.)

Can you think of another word with a double “v” in it besides “savvy”?

I read in the paper the other day that sitting on an exercise ball instead of an office chair is good for your back and neck. I’ve tried this technique on and off for the last two days, and I have to admit that my lower back is getting a bit of a workout. The catch is that you have to sit up straight because if you slump, looking at your computer feels like somebody is jabbing an icepick into the back of your neck. Of course, I have the worst posture in the world (witness my “C”-shaped spine), so maybe I’m just finally sitting up straight for the first time in my life because I have to. Also, it is extremely entertaining to bounce around when you’re bored. Also also, it has thus far proved to be impossible to fall asleep while sitting on the ball, making it one of the three known locations in the universe where I am not capable of falling asleep, the other two being under water and jogging. Yes, jogging is a location. Shut up.

Microsoft Word badly needs a dumb-ass warning feature that kicks in when you copy a second item to the clipboard even though you’ve already got something copied there. For instance: Tyler writes lengthy endnote, then wants to move it. Cuts (Cmd-X) the footnote, starts looking for place he wants to paste it. While looking sees one sentence that needs to be moved, copies that sentence to the clipboard, and poof, endnote all gone! I demand a giant warning light or maybe a voice that just says, “Hey dumbass!” to prevent me from doing this.

Clearly there needs to be a single word that means “person who is famous and is involved in the business of theatre in multiple capacities.” I want to say “showman,” but that just makes me think of P. T. Barnum or the ringmaster at a circus, not one of these triple-threat actor/manager/playwright guys I keep running across in the nineteenth century. I think that “theatreman” (pronounced "mun" as in "Scotsman") or “stageist” should be real words. Or maybe such a word actually exists and I just can’t bring it to mind. It is, after all, very late, and this is entirely possible.

Thanks again to Lou, Wyatt, and “anonymous” (you know who you are) for your musical studyfication suggestions. I am at this very wee hour, grooving through the night to the smooth-sailing lounge electronica of Thievery Corporation, Nightmares on Wax (who sound not at all nightmarish) and some of my own selections from Groove Armada. The trip-hop really helps the night move along. Well, that and the two hits of X I took ten minutes ago. (MOM! I’m kidding! Mom, sit down, come back and sit down. Put down the phone, you don’t have to call me and yell at me using my middle name. Just a little non-drug-user drug humor there.)

I am incredibly thankful that at this absurdly early hour of the morning, I can go to my own blog and, through no effort of my own, laugh my ass off. All submissions to the caption contest were hilarious. I am completely in love with the way different minds process those images and find comedy. Beauteous. It’s also nice to have other people do this kind of good work for you, for free, and frequently under the veil of anonymity. Excellent work. The winners and runners up for each photo:

#1 Winner: "Oh Jeezy Creezy. Marge call pest control, we've got babies in the claw machine again..." (Seriously, I’m still laughing at this one)

#1 Runner Up: “Having testified against several insiders in the famous ‘incrediberry murder trial of ought five,’ Kool-Aid Man begins his new life in the witness protection program as ‘disco star man.’” (There is just a darned impressive amount of depth to this joke.)



#2 Winner: (Slurring) “Who’s got two thumbs…er…one thumb, likes gin and tonic and might have just pooped a little in his pants? This guy!!”

#2 Runner Up: "In the above photo, Phineas Q. McGoo of Coltssuck, IN is overtly enthusiastic about the blindingly white color of his new button-up shirt. Tragically, he vomited all over himself a mere hour after this photo was taken; sources say the stain has yet to come out." (Um, honestly, this one could have said “blah blah blah Phineas Q. McGoo of Coltssuck, IN blah blah” and it still would have been in contention for the big prize. Oh, you Chicagoans may not know a damn thing about picking quarterbacks, but boy are you funny.)


#3 Winner: “Distant cousins of the Jumping Beans, only a select few cheeses ever achieve the title of entertaining. The life does often require performing for King Salmon alongside No-Talent wine.” (No-Talent wine. Heh heh heh. Brilliant.)

#3 Runner Up: “Right next to the amusing meats.” (Ah, brevity.)



#4 Winner: [On a poster displayed in gay bars, Express Men stores, and YMCAs all over the United States]:

"Young man, there's no need to feel down - increase your self-esteem, meet hot singles, and get that muscly bod you've always wanted by joining the Armed Forces! We want YOU (yes, YOU, big fella) for U.S. Army!

The United States Army: we've made a few CHANGES." (Methinks somebody has a future in advertising. Or the military? No, advertising. Definitely advertising.)

#4 Runner Up: “Brokeback Mountain II: Corky from ‘Life Goes On’ discovers love.” (Chad and Podd, you guys have got to start bringing dates/wives to these things.)

Specific Category Awards:

Best “Fresh Prince” Reference: “Did anybody just see me doing the ‘Carlton’ on the dance floor?”

Best “I Can’t Believe He Quoted The Whole Thing” Moment: I mean, wow, Jeff. Just, wow. You took that one, made that first little brilliant leap, and then just kept freakin’ running. Awesome.

Best Accurate Description of a Brain Dead Pop Star: “High as a kite” and “out of her f***ing mind.”

Best Keen Eye For Noticing That the Toy's Hand Was Upturned As Though Asking For Money: "Yo! If you want lil' baby Sam back, you gots ta pay Mr. Sunshine. Ain't that right Snoop?"

Best “Dry-Witted Wife” Comment: Is that my husband? (HA!)

Best Obviously-Paid-For-By-The-Producer Positive Review: "'Entertaining Cheeses': it's better than 'Cats'!" --Variety

Best Rolling Stones Look-Alike Call: First Guy: “Hey look, I’m Mick Jagger!” (Bwah ha ha ha!)

(Congrats to all the winners. Your $100 cash prizes are in the mail. I used transparent envelopes, so if they don’t get to you, blame those thieving postal employees.)